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Portal 2
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Portal 1 Music
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I think these test chambers look even better than they did before. It was easy, really. You just have to look at things objectively, see what you don't need anymore, and trim out the fat.
Listens:
3558
Who:
GLaDOS
I have the results of the last chamber: You are a horrible person. That's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
Listens:
3547
Who:
GLaDOS
I shouldn't spoil this, but... remember how I'm going to live forever, but you're going to be dead in sixty years? Well, I've been working on a present for you. Well, I guess it's more of a medical procedure. Well, technically it's more of a medical experiment. You know how excruciating it is when someone removes all of your bone marrow? Well, what if after I did that, I put something back IN that added four years to your life?
Listens:
3533
Who:
GLaDOS
You two are going to LOVE this big surprise. In fact, you might say that you're both going to love it to death. Love it... until it kills you. Until you're dead.
Listens:
3533
Who:
Wheatley
And then you showed up. You dangerous, mute lunatic. So you know what?
Listens:
3507
Who:
GLaDOS
Wheeeeeeee!
Listens:
3505
Who:
Turret
If you are a non-employee who has discovered this facility amid the ruins of civilization, welcome! And remember: Testing is the future, and the future starts with you.
Listens:
3491
Who:
Announcer
Excuse me, you’re squishing me.
Listens:
3485
Who:
Turret
These things happen.
Listens:
3478
Who:
Turret
Oh, that's sad. But impressive. Maybe they worked at the phone company.
Listens:
3475
Who:
GLaDOS
Excellent! You're a predator and these tests are your prey. Speaking of which, I was researching sharks for an upcoming test. Do you know who else murders people who are only trying to help them?
Listens:
3470
Who:
GLaDOS
Ohhh, the Sun. I'm gonna meet the Sun. Oh no! What'll I say? 'Hi! Hi, Sun!' Oh, boy!
Listens:
3459
Who:
Core 1
Goodbye!
Listens:
3448
Who:
Turret
We're a lot alike, you and I. You tested me. I tested you. You killed me. I--oh, no, wait. I guess I HAVEN'T killed you yet. Well. Food for thought.
Listens:
3440
Who:
GLaDOS
Moo hoo ha ha ha ha...
Listens:
3427
Who:
Defective Turret
Nap time
Listens:
3422
Who:
Turret
Could you come over here?
Listens:
3409
Who:
Turret
We made it we made it we made it. Space!
Listens:
3385
Who:
Core 1
And we would have talked our way out of it. Oh! Except you forgot to tell me you'd murdered her. And that she needed you to live, so the only available vent for her rage would be good old crushable Wheatley. Yeah. Little details I remember. Easy little tidbits you could have used to save me from getting crushed if you'd cared, which you didn't, obviously. And still don't.
Listens:
3378
Who:
Wheatley
Happy Explosion Day, gorgeous.
Listens:
3356
Who:
Core 2
So. Welcome to Aperture. You're here because we want the best, and you're it. Nope. Couldn't keep a straight face.
Listens:
3347
Who:
Cave Johnson
We will attempt to comply with these now non-existent agencies by playing some more smooth jazz.
Listens:
3345
Who:
Announcer
No! Don't! No! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Listens:
3330
Who:
Wheatley
Annnnnnnnd... Nothing.
Listens:
3328
Who:
Wheatley
I did everything you asked!
Listens:
3328
Who:
Turret
Yeah. Clickety click click. Right on the money.
Listens:
3305
Who:
Defective Turret
The lab boys just informed me that I should not have mentioned the control group. They're telling me I oughtta stop making these pre-recorded messages. That gave me an idea: make more pre-recorded messages. I pay the bills here, I can talk about the control group all damn day.
Listens:
3301
Who:
Cave Johnson
You did WHAT?
Listens:
3208
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, it's fluttering its wings. Tell you what, mate. I'll come in there for a minute and cover you so you can have a look at this lovely bird! I'll come in. I'll do all the neurotoxin stuff. And then you come out here and look at this. Because it is lovely. It is lovely. You want to get out here fast. Seriously, my pleasure sounds are going to frighten the bird away any second. Ohhh, it's not working, is it? He's not interested in bloody birds.
Listens:
3205
Who:
Wheatley
If you've cut yourself at all in the course of these tests, you might have noticed that your blood is pure gasoline. That's normal. We've been shooting you with an invisible laser that's supposed to turn blood into gasoline, so all that means is, it's working.
Listens:
3197
Who:
Cave Johnson
Please prepare for emergency evacuation.
Listens:
3178
Who:
Announcer
Template
Listens:
3174
Who:
Announcer
In Greek myth, Prometheus stole fire from the Gods and gave it to humankind. The jewelry he kept for himself.
Listens:
3166
Who:
Core 3
We're still doing science sir.
Listens:
3138
Who:
Caroline
Hey lady. Lady. I'm the best. I'm the best at space.
Listens:
3127
Who:
Core 1
Space going to space can't wait.
Listens:
3125
Who:
Core 1
I am!
Listens:
3119
Who:
Caroline
If you have trouble with simple counting, use the following mnemonic device: one comes before two comes before 60 comes after 12 comes before six trillion comes after 504. This will make your earlier counting difficulties seem like no big deal.
Listens:
3103
Who:
Core 3
Awwww
Listens:
3093
Who:
Turret
She is a gem.
Listens:
3071
Who:
Cave Johnson
Welcome to the Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center Human Test Subject Research Center. You have unlocked all available courses.
Listens:
3067
Who:
Announcer
Good!
Listens:
3063
Who:
Announcer
You will hear a buzzer. When you hear the buzzer, look up at the ceiling. [BUZZER]
Listens:
3062
Who:
Announcer
Deploying
Listens:
3058
Who:
Turret
You know how I'm going to live forever, but you're going to be dead in sixty years? Well, I've been working on a belated birthday present for you. Well... more of a belated birthday medical procedure. Well. Technically, it's a medical EXPERIMENT. What's important is, it's a present.
Listens:
3051
Who:
GLaDOS
Great work! Because this message is prerecorded, any observations related to your performance are speculation on our part. Please disregard any undeserved compliments.
Listens:
3027
Who:
Announcer
You're saying to yourself, why should I jump into the pit? I'll tell you why. Guess who's down there? Your parents! You're not adopted after all! It's your natural parents down there in the pit. Should have mentioned it before. But I didn't. So jump on down and reunite with mommy and daddy.
Listens:
3023
Who:
Wheatley
Where am I? Guess. Guess guess guess. I'm in space.
Listens:
3014
Who:
Core 1
William Shakespeare did not exist. His plays were masterminded in 1589 by Francis Bacon, who used a Ouija board to enslave play-writing ghosts.
Listens:
3012
Who:
Core 3
Grab me grab me grab me! Grab meeee!
Listens:
3010
Who:
Wheatley
Hey! It's me!
Listens:
2987
Who:
Turret
Since making test participation mandatory for all employees, the quality of our test subjects has risen dramatically. Employee retention, however, has not.
Listens:
2986
Who:
Cave Johnson
Some emergency testing may require prolonged interaction with lethal military androids. Rest assured that all lethal military androids have been taught to read and provided with one copy of the Laws of Robotics. To share.
Listens:
2968
Who:
Announcer
Hello?
Listens:
2968
Who:
Turret
The situation you are in is very dangerous.
Listens:
2957
Who:
Core 3
Ah, I see. Clever. Verrrrrrry clever.
Listens:
2947
Who:
Wheatley
Pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out!
Listens:
2946
Who:
Wheatley
I see you
Listens:
2926
Who:
Turret
Oh, brilliant. You DID find a portal gun! You know what? It just goes to show: people with brain damage are the real heroes in the end aren't they? At the end of the day. Brave.
Listens:
2911
Who:
Wheatley
Hello.
Listens:
2910
Who:
Defective Turret
Space!
Listens:
2899
Who:
Core 1
It burns.
Listens:
2861
Who:
Turret
WHAT ARE YOU DOING WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT BUTTON - oh, the door's open! Well done. Let's see what's inside.
Listens:
2848
Who:
Wheatley
Why...
Listens:
2846
Who:
Turret
Sorry
Listens:
2844
Who:
Turret
Oh my god.
Listens:
2842
Who:
GLaDOS
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
2833
Who:
GLaDOS
Response
Listens:
2828
Who:
Announcer
Hello!
Listens:
2820
Who:
Wheatley
Hello again. Sorry about exploding you. Luckily, you don't feel pain. At any rate, you don't have a way to communicate that you feel pain.
Listens:
2814
Who:
GLaDOS
You like revenge, right? Everybody likes revenge. Well, let's go get some.
Listens:
2811
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, it's a core you've put on me! Who told you to do that? Was it her? [as if he's looking around] It's just making me stronger, luv! It's a fool's errand!
Listens:
2791
Who:
Wheatley
Brain Mapping. Artificial Intelligence. We should have been working on it thirty years ago. I will say this - and I'm gonna say it on tape so everybody hears it a hundred times a day: If I die before you people can pour me into a computer, I want Caroline to run this place.
Listens:
2778
Who:
Cave Johnson
And to your right, something huge hurtling towards you OH GOD RUN! THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THERE.
Listens:
2777
Who:
Wheatley
Atmosphere. Black holes. Astronauts. Nebulas. Jupiter. The Big Dipper.
Listens:
2768
Who:
Core 1
Corrupted Core: are you ready to start?
Listens:
2756
Who:
Announcer
Blue, I agree. I never noticed that about Orange before.
Listens:
2752
Who:
GLaDOS
Wait wait wait wait. I know I know I know. Lady wait. Wait. I know. Wait. Space.
Listens:
2740
Who:
Core 1
Hey, be a sport lady, and just tell him I killed you.
Listens:
2734
Who:
Defective Turret
Good work getting this far, future-starter! That said, if you are simple-minded, old, or irradiated in such a way that the future should not start with you, please return to your primitive tribe and send back someone better-qualified for testing.
Listens:
2683
Who:
Announcer
Warning, sphere corruption at twenty-- rats cannot throw up.
Listens:
2676
Who:
Core 3
Activated
Listens:
2671
Who:
Turret
Undelete, undelete! Where's the undelete button?
Listens:
2668
Who:
Wheatley
Stalemate Resolution Associate: Please press the Stalemate Resolution Button.
Listens:
2649
Who:
Announcer
That jumpsuit you're wearing looks stupid. That's not me talking, it's right here in your file. On other people it looks fine, but right here a scientist has noted that on you it looks 'stupid.'
Listens:
2649
Who:
GLaDOS
Preparing to dispense product
Listens:
2643
Who:
Turret
Puppet master! You're a puppet in a play, and I hold all the strings! And cards, still. Cards in one hand, strings in the other. And I'm making you dance like a puppet. Playing cards.
Listens:
2634
Who:
Wheatley
Are you still there? Can you pick me up, do you think? If you are there?
Listens:
2621
Who:
Wheatley
That isn't science.
Listens:
2619
Who:
GLaDOS
We're in space!
Listens:
2608
Who:
Wheatley
[to self] Hm. Could be Spanish, could be Spanish. [loud again] Hola, amigo! Abre la puerta! Donde esta--no. Um...
Listens:
2607
Who:
Wheatley
Stalemate detected. Transfer procedure cannot continue.
Listens:
2605
Who:
Announcer
You broke it, didn't you.
Listens:
2605
Who:
GLaDOS
Don't think I'm not onto you too, lady. You know what you are? Selfish. I've done nothing but sacrifice to get us here! What have you sacrificed? NOTHING. Zero. All you've done is BOSS ME AROUND. Well, NOW who's the boss? Who's the boss? It's me!
Listens:
2603
Who:
Wheatley
Wanna go to earth wanna go to earth wanna go to earth wanna go to earth. Wanna go to earth.
Listens:
2595
Who:
Core 1
If you need to go to the bathroom after this next series of tests, please let a test associate know, because in all likelihood, whatever comes out of you is going to be coal. Only temporary, so do not worry. If it persists for a week, though, start worrying and come see us, because that's not supposed to happen.
Listens:
2594
Who:
Cave Johnson
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
2585
Who:
GLaDOS
The Fact Sphere is not defective. Its facts are wholly accurate and very interesting.
Listens:
2569
Who:
Core 3
Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve.
Listens:
2565
Who:
Core 3
Crap.
Listens:
2565
Who:
Defective Turret
00:00 / 00:00
Test Player
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