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Portal 2
Portal 2 DLC
Portal 2 PTI
Portal 2 Music
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Portal 1 Music
Team Fortress 2
TF2 Music
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Hello?
Listens:
2565
Who:
Turret
Alright, then. Let us see... 'Vital maintenance protocols.' Wow, there are a lot of them. Should have looked into this earlier. Well, let's try this: [reading while typing] DO THEM. [failure buzzer]. Fair enough. Maybe it's a password.
Listens:
2564
Who:
Wheatley
We haven't entirely nailed down what element it is yet, but I'll tell you this: it's a lively one, and it does NOT like the human skeleton.
Listens:
2554
Who:
Cave Johnson
I'm in space.
Listens:
2543
Who:
Core 1
You never considered that maybe I tested you to give the endless hours of your pointless existence some structure and meaning. Maybe to help you concentrate, so just maybe you’d think of something more worthwhile to do with your sorry life.
Listens:
2533
Who:
GLaDOS
I’m flyinnnng!
Listens:
2531
Who:
Turret
Don't shoot!
Listens:
2524
Who:
Turret
Fire detected in the Stalemate Resolution Annex. Extinguishing.
Listens:
2523
Who:
Announcer
Oh, brilliant, yeah. Take one last look at your precious human moon. Because it cannot help you now!
Listens:
2522
Who:
Wheatley
That's right. The facility is completely operational again.
Listens:
2516
Who:
GLaDOS
Not bad. I forgot how good you are at this. You should pace yourself, though. We have A LOT of tests to do.
Listens:
2500
Who:
GLaDOS
There you are
Listens:
2497
Who:
Turret
[laughs]
Listens:
2490
Who:
Wheatley
I’m on fire.
Listens:
2489
Who:
Turret
Seriously, though. Goodbye.
Listens:
2488
Who:
GLaDOS
'Let there be light.' That's, uh... God. I was quoting God.
Listens:
2484
Who:
Wheatley
Hmmm. Hmmmmmm. Hmm. Hmmmmm. Space!
Listens:
2479
Who:
Core 1
So. How are you holding up?
Listens:
2476
Who:
GLaDOS
Sir, the testing?
Listens:
2473
Who:
Caroline
Now, maybe you don't have any tumors. Well, don't worry. If you sat on a folding chair in the lobby and weren't wearing lead underpants, we took care of that too.
Listens:
2466
Who:
Cave Johnson
Hey! Squeaky-voice! Gimme some of your bullets!
Listens:
2466
Who:
Defective Turret
89% of magic tricks are not magic. Technically, they are sorcery.
Listens:
2462
Who:
Core 3
Go on. Get a big fat eyeful. With your big fat eyes.
Listens:
2458
Who:
GLaDOS
...unless a stalemate associate is present to press the stalemate resolution button.
Listens:
2455
Who:
Announcer
You had to play bloody cat and mouse, didn't you? While people were trying to work. Yes, well, now we're all going to pay the price. BECAUSE WE'RE ALL GOING TO BLOODY DIE.
Listens:
2454
Who:
Wheatley
Why?
Listens:
2445
Who:
Turret
Warning: Central core is eighty percent corrupt.
Listens:
2440
Who:
Announcer
The most poisonous fish in the world is the orange ruffy. Everything but its eyes are made of a deadly poison. The ruffy's eyes are composed of a less harmful, deadly poison.
Listens:
2426
Who:
Core 3
Click click click! Still defective!
Listens:
2397
Who:
Defective Turret
Oh, in case you got covered in that repulsion gel, here's some advice the lab boys gave me: DO NOT get covered in the repulsion gel.
Listens:
2382
Who:
Cave Johnson
Ahhhohohhhh. Wow. Well done, seriously, both of you. Why don't you two go on ahead? I'll catch up with you.
Listens:
2379
Who:
Wheatley
Substitute Core: Are you ready to start?
Listens:
2369
Who:
Announcer
Marie Curie invented the theory of radioactivity, the treatment of radioactivity, and dying of radioactivity.
Listens:
2367
Who:
Core 3
Did you hear that? I think something just exploded. Man, we are in a lot of danger. This is like Christmas. No, it's better than Christmas. This should be its own holiday. Explosion Day!
Listens:
2351
Who:
Core 2
Helloooooooooooo!
Listens:
2350
Who:
Wheatley
Oh, shut up!
Listens:
2348
Who:
Core 2
No no wait wait waitAGGGHHHH
Listens:
2344
Who:
Defective Turret
Oh. Hi.
Listens:
2331
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm not defective!
Listens:
2329
Who:
Defective Turret
Ha ha ha ha ha, good one.
Listens:
2326
Who:
GLaDOS
Welcome back. While you were dead, I reworked the cartoon. It's up on the screen.
Listens:
2318
Who:
GLaDOS
Target aquired.
Listens:
2312
Who:
Turret
Well done! The Enrichment Center reminds you that although circumstances may appear bleak, you are not alone. All Aperture Science personality constructs will remain functional in apocalyptic, low power environments of as few as 1.1 volts.
Listens:
2311
Who:
Announcer
Space space wanna go to space
Listens:
2302
Who:
Core 1
This next test involves the Aperture Science Aerial Faith Plate. It was part of an initiative to investigate how well test subjects could solve problems when they were catapulted into space. Results were highly informative: They could not. Good luck!
Listens:
2301
Who:
GLaDOS
Manual core replacement required.
Listens:
2297
Who:
Announcer
Gotcha!
Listens:
2288
Who:
Turret
But you were different weren't you? Such a good jumper. Problem solver. Clever. But ambitious. That's your Achilles Heel. Mine's-oh! Oh! Almost told you. Clever, clever girl. Again: brain damaged like a fox, you.
Listens:
2282
Who:
Wheatley
Hello?
Listens:
2280
Who:
Turret
Going to space going there can't wait gotta go. Space. Going.
Listens:
2273
Who:
Core 1
So that's just what I was doing. I was just reading... ah... books. So I'm not a moron.
Listens:
2270
Who:
Wheatley
These bridges are made from natural light that I pump in from the surface. If you rubbed your cheek on one, it would be like standing outside with the sun shining on your face. It would also set your hair on fire, so don't actually do it.
Listens:
2267
Who:
GLaDOS
So... we're all supposed to be blind, then, right? It's not just me? Alright, fantastic.
Listens:
2262
Who:
Defective Turret
Whee!
Listens:
2256
Who:
Turret
FOOL! You were a fool to come back, because I've trapped you again! Helpless. You're at my mercy. And I don't have any. You're at my nothing. You're at my lack of mercy.
Listens:
2248
Who:
Wheatley
Yes indeed. Yes indeed.
Listens:
2247
Who:
Defective Turret
Sorry, what?
Listens:
2240
Who:
Wheatley
Holmes versus Moriarty.
Listens:
2236
Who:
Wheatley
You really do have brain damage, don't you?
Listens:
2232
Who:
GLaDOS
Pants were invented by sailors in the sixteenth century to avoid Poseidon's wrath. It was believed that the sight of naked sailors angered the sea god.
Listens:
2229
Who:
Core 3
What if you froze like that?
Listens:
2216
Who:
GLaDOS
This on? [thump thump] Hey. Listen up down there. That thing's called an elevator. Not a bathroom.
Listens:
2215
Who:
Cave Johnson
But the real point is - oh, oh! You know what I've just remembered? Football! Kicking a ball around for fun. Cruel, obviously. Humans love it. Metaphor. Should have seen this coming.
Listens:
2215
Who:
Wheatley
However, thanks to Emergency Testing Protocols, testing can continue. These pre-recorded messages will provide instructional and motivational support, so that science can still be done, even in the event of environmental, social, economic, or structural collapse.
Listens:
2210
Who:
Announcer
I'm fired, aren't I?
Listens:
2205
Who:
Defective Turret
I'll bet there isn't even a problem with the facility, is there? I'll bet there's no such thing as a 'reactor core'. I'll bet that's not even fire coming out of the walls, is it? It's just cleverly placed lights and papier mache, I'll bet that's all it is.
Listens:
2204
Who:
Wheatley
Here's the plan: Get him to say, 'You two have been a thorn in my side long enough.' Then tell your pretty ears to stand back, because I am going to zing him into space.
Listens:
2200
Who:
Core 2
For many of you, I realize 60 dollars is an unprecedented windfall, so don't go spending it all on... I don't know. Caroline, what do these people buy? Tattered hats? Beard dirt?
Listens:
2188
Who:
Cave Johnson
Warning! All testing courses are currently available.
Listens:
2166
Who:
Announcer
Only three more chambers until your big surprise! [maniacal laughter] Ohhh, that's tiring.
Listens:
2165
Who:
Wheatley
Haha, Mr. Johnson!
Listens:
2158
Who:
Caroline
Nooooo. No, I don't think it is. I think you're wrong.
Listens:
2154
Who:
Wheatley
This is not good.
Listens:
2150
Who:
Turret
Ha! Was that your bullet-riddled body, flying out of the room? It was- aww, those were the crap turrets, weren't they? Yeah...
Listens:
2149
Who:
Wheatley
Hi there!
Listens:
2142
Who:
Defective Turret
Space space going to space oh boy
Listens:
2139
Who:
Core 1
Ahahaha
Listens:
2126
Who:
Turret
The answer is beneath us.
Listens:
2106
Who:
Turret
Well, no matter. Because I'm STILL holding all the cards, and guess what: they're allll Full Houses! I've never played cards. Meaning to learn.
Listens:
2105
Who:
Wheatley
Ha... That sounded real. No! That was actually an impression of you. Actually. Because you just fell into my trap. My brilliant trap. Just then. I wanted you to trick me into bursting that pipe. You didn't trick me. Seemingly trick me. Gives you false hope. Leads to overconfidence. And that leads to mistakes. Fatal mistakes. It's all part of my plan.
Listens:
2098
Who:
Wheatley
NO.
Listens:
2093
Who:
GLaDOS
Sorry, we're closed
Listens:
2089
Who:
Turret
You know who found that interesting? Nobody. That didn't affect anybody's life in any way whatsoever. Life would be exactly the same if you hadn't said anything.
Listens:
2086
Who:
Core 2
Blah.
Listens:
2082
Who:
GLaDOS
Good. You will hear a buzzer. When you hear the buzzer, look down at the floor. [BUZZER]
Listens:
2081
Who:
Announcer
Excuse me
Listens:
2080
Who:
Turret
Hey hey hey!
Listens:
2076
Who:
Turret
I'm no psychiatrist, but coming from a bunch of eggheads who wouldn't recognize the thrill of danger if it walked up and snapped their little pink bras, that sounds like 'projection'.
Listens:
2073
Who:
Cave Johnson
We're back!
Listens:
2071
Who:
Defective Turret
Who's there?
Listens:
2070
Who:
Turret
If you're allergic to peanuts, you might want to tell somebody now, because this next test may turn your blood into peanut water for a few minutes. On the bright side, if we can make this happen, they're gonna have to invent a new type of Nobel Prize to give us, so hang in there.
Listens:
2068
Who:
Cave Johnson
There you are
Listens:
2062
Who:
Turret
What -what's wrong with being adopted? Um. Well... lack of parents, for one, and... also... furthermore... nothing. Some of my best... friends are... orphans... But...
Listens:
2059
Who:
Wheatley
Hurt me once, shame on me. Hurt me twice...
Listens:
2057
Who:
Defective Turret
Coming through!
Listens:
2057
Who:
Turret
AHHHHHHH!
Listens:
2055
Who:
Wheatley
Well, how about now? NOW WHO'S A MORON?
Listens:
2051
Who:
Wheatley
The average human male is about sixty percent water. Far as we're concerned, that's a little extravagant. So if you feel a bit dehydrated in this next test, that's normal. We're gonna hit you with some jet engines, and see if we can't get you down to twenty or thirty percent.
Listens:
2050
Who:
Cave Johnson
The point is: If we can store music on a compact disc, why can't we store a man's intelligence and personality on one? So I have the engineers figuring that out now.
Listens:
2044
Who:
Cave Johnson
Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens.
Listens:
2040
Who:
Core 3
00:00 / 00:00
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