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Portal 2
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Noooooo!
Listens:
2036
Who:
Turret
The portal will open and emergency testing will begin in three. Two. One.
Listens:
2032
Who:
Announcer
Great job, astronaut, war hero, and/or Olympian! With your help, we're gonna [tape cuts out]
Listens:
2032
Who:
Cave Johnson
In Victorian England, a commoner was not allowed to look directly at the Queen, due to a belief at the time that the poor had the ability to steal thoughts. Science now believes that less than 4% of poor people are able to do this.
Listens:
2023
Who:
Core 3
It was YOUR voice.
Listens:
2023
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh for... They told me if I ever turned this flashlight on, I would DIE. They told me that about EVERYTHING. I don't know why they even bothered to give me this stuff if they didn't want me usin' it. It's pointless. Mad.
Listens:
2018
Who:
Wheatley
Here we go! Now do it again!
Listens:
2006
Who:
Wheatley
Humans must have some purpose other than a place to store your neurotoxin. Something I failed to notice before, an intangible quality that makes their test results... significant.
Listens:
2005
Who:
GLaDOS
Wait, what if this hurts? What if it REALLY hurts? Ohhh, I didn't think of that.
Listens:
2000
Who:
Wheatley
Ow. I hate this bird.
Listens:
1996
Who:
GLaDOS
Blah.
Listens:
1994
Who:
GLaDOS
Good, that's still working.
Listens:
1993
Who:
GLaDOS
Sentry mode activated
Listens:
1992
Who:
Turret
THEY didn't fly into space, storm a beach, or bring back the gold. No sir, we did! It's you and me against the world, son! I like your grit! Hustle could use some work, though. Now let's solve this thing!
Listens:
1991
Who:
Cave Johnson
[cough] As a result, you may have heard we're gonna phase out human testing. There's still a few things left to wrap up, though.
Listens:
1972
Who:
Cave Johnson
Space. Space. Space. Space. Comets. Stars. Galaxies. Orion.
Listens:
1971
Who:
Core 1
If I'd known you'd let yourself get captured this easily, I would have just dangled a turkey leg on a rope from the ceiling.
Listens:
1969
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, really? Space? Really? You should have said something! We had no idea!
Listens:
1966
Who:
Core 2
Had a bit of a brain wave. There I was, smashing some steel plates together, and I thought, 'yes, it's deadly. But what's missing? What's missing?' And I thought lots of sharp bits welded onto the flat bits.
Listens:
1966
Who:
Wheatley
Now you're thinking with stupidity.
Listens:
1954
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh. It's you. Go away.
Listens:
1951
Who:
GLaDOS
We're still doing science sir.
Listens:
1940
Who:
Caroline
Could you just jump into that pit? There. That deadly pit.
Listens:
1938
Who:
Wheatley
So much space. Need to see it all.
Listens:
1919
Who:
Core 1
If the Enrichment Center is currently being bombarded with fireballs, meteorites, or other objects from space, please avoid unsheltered testing areas wherever a lack of shelter from space-debris DOES NOT appear to be a deliberate part of the test.
Listens:
1918
Who:
Announcer
Still, though, let's get mad! If we're going to explode, let's at least explode with some dignity.
Listens:
1917
Who:
GLaDOS
Diamonds are made when coal is put under intense pressure. Diamonds put under intense pressure become foam pellets, commonly used today as packing material.
Listens:
1911
Who:
Core 3
'Yes, sir, Mister Johnson...'
Listens:
1910
Who:
GLaDOS
In just a moment, the word 'blah' will be repeated over and over again. If at some point you hear a number rather than the word 'blah', ignore it, it is not important.
Listens:
1906
Who:
GLaDOS
I should congratulate you, by the way. I didn't actually think you'd make such a worthy opponent. Weren't you supposed to be brain damaged or something? yeah, brain damaged like a fox.
Listens:
1906
Who:
Wheatley
Do NOT plug that little idiot into MY mainframe.
Listens:
1905
Who:
GLaDOS
Stalemate Resolved.
Listens:
1892
Who:
Announcer
You know what I have too many of around here? Monitors. I was just thinking earlier today I wish I had fewer monitors that were working. So you're actually helping me by smashing them.
Listens:
1889
Who:
Wheatley
Come here, space. I have a secret for you. No, come closer.
Listens:
1888
Who:
Core 1
I'm in space.
Listens:
1887
Who:
Core 1
Unknown error
Listens:
1886
Who:
Turret
Oh oh oh. This is space! I'm in space!
Listens:
1885
Who:
Core 1
Now she'll argue. She'll say she can't. She's modest like that. But you make her.
Listens:
1871
Who:
Cave Johnson
Good. If you feel that a lethal military android has not respected your rights as detailed in the Laws of Robotics, please note it on your self-reporting form. A future Aperture Science Entitlement Associate will initiate the appropriate grievance-filing paperwork.
Listens:
1870
Who:
Announcer
Aw. Just thinking back to the old days when we were friends. Good old friends. Not enemies. And I'd say something like 'come back', and you'd be like 'no problem!' And you'd come back. What happened to those days?
Listens:
1866
Who:
Wheatley
*I* have to go to the wing that was made entirely of glass and pick up fifteen acres of broken glass. By myself.
Listens:
1863
Who:
GLaDOS
This is a bad plan. You will fail.
Listens:
1857
Who:
Core 3
This would go a lot faster if you'd stay still. Then I'd have time to fix the facility. So one of us at least would live. No need to be selfish, luv, you're gonna die.
Listens:
1857
Who:
Wheatley
Excellent. Although great science is always the result of collaboration, keep in mind that, like Albert Einstein and his cousin Terry, history will only remember one of you.
Listens:
1856
Who:
GLaDOS
You know, being Caroline taught me a valuable lesson. I thought you were my greatest enemy. When all along you were my best friend.
Listens:
1852
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh! But when I DO test... ohhhhh, man alive! Nothing feels better. It's just... why I've gotta test, I've gotta test!
Listens:
1844
Who:
Wheatley
That's not funny.
Listens:
1840
Who:
GLaDOS
[humming]
Listens:
1839
Who:
Core 1
Oh thank god, you're alright.
Listens:
1837
Who:
GLaDOS
That's funny, I don't feel corrupt. In fact, I feel pretty good.
Listens:
1834
Who:
GLaDOS
I honestly, TRULY didn't think you'd fall for that.
Listens:
1832
Who:
GLaDOS
Alright, so, silent contemplation it is. Mysterious button... Sorry. Sorry. Silence. Do not speak. In the silence. Let the silence descend. Here it comes. One hundred percent silence. From now. By the way, if you come up with any ideas, do flag them up. Don't feel you have to stay quiet because I've said absolute silence. So if you come up with an idea, mention it. Otherwise, absolute silence starting... Now.
Listens:
1826
Who:
Wheatley
First up, conversion gel. [cough]
Listens:
1820
Who:
Cave Johnson
Not you, test subject, you're doing fine.
Listens:
1818
Who:
Cave Johnson
I did this! Tiny little Wheatley did this!
Listens:
1817
Who:
Wheatley
Look - metal ball, I CAN hear you.
Listens:
1815
Who:
GLaDOS
Edmund Hillary, the first person to climb Mount Everest, did so accidentally while chasing a bird.
Listens:
1808
Who:
Core 3
Blue
Listens:
1803
Who:
GLaDOS
Mister Johnson
Listens:
1793
Who:
Caroline
[computer gibberish]
Listens:
1791
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh, it will. Believe me, it will.
Listens:
1786
Who:
GLaDOS
In case you are worried about the humans, don't be. They aren't all monsters.
Listens:
1785
Who:
GLaDOS
Aw. Bless your little primate brain. I'm not actually in the room with you. Am I? Technology. It's complicated. Can't hurt the big god face.
Listens:
1782
Who:
Wheatley
She's the backbone of this facility. Pretty as a postcard, too. Sorry, fellas. She's married. To science.
Listens:
1781
Who:
Cave Johnson
Let me answer those questions with a question: Who wants to make sixty dollars? Cash.
Listens:
1780
Who:
Cave Johnson
This next test involves turrets. You remember them, right? They're the pale spherical things that are full of bullets. Oh wait. That's you in five seconds. Good luck.
Listens:
1767
Who:
GLaDOS
Space. Space.
Listens:
1766
Who:
Core 1
Don't press that button. You don't know what you're doing.
Listens:
1761
Who:
GLaDOS
NNGH! It's not enough! If I'm such a moron, why can't you solve a simple test?
Listens:
1761
Who:
Wheatley
5000 point penalty! Are you happy now?
Listens:
1758
Who:
GLaDOS
Right. Now, you might be asking yourself, 'Cave, just how difficult are these tests? What was in that phone book of a contract I signed? Am I in danger?'
Listens:
1734
Who:
Cave Johnson
Earth.
Listens:
1733
Who:
Core 1
Hello there!
Listens:
1719
Who:
Defective Turret
So that's a complete reassembly. New vitals. Spit-shine on the old ones. Plus we're scooping out tumors. Frankly, you oughtta be paying us.
Listens:
1718
Who:
Cave Johnson
Whales are twice as intelligent, and three times as delicious, as humans.
Listens:
1715
Who:
Core 3
This time is OUR time.
Listens:
1715
Who:
Defective Turret
Failure...
Listens:
1711
Who:
Turret
Oh shut up!
Listens:
1705
Who:
Core 2
Turret redemption lines active.
Listens:
1704
Who:
Announcer
Uh oh. You're stranded. Let's see if the cube will try to help you escape. Actually, so that we're not here all day, I'll just cut to the chase: It won't. Any feelings you think it has for you are simply byproducts of your sad, empty life.
Listens:
1704
Who:
GLaDOS
And whose fault do you think it's going to be when the management comes down here and finds ten thousand flipping vegetables?
Listens:
1689
Who:
Wheatley
Well. This is the part where he kills us.
Listens:
1688
Who:
GLaDOS
In case you're interested, there's still some positions available for that bonus opportunity I mentioned earlier. Again: all you gotta do is let us disassemble you. We're not banging rocks together here. We know how to put a man back together.
Listens:
1681
Who:
Cave Johnson
In 1862, Abraham Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation, freeing the slaves. Like everything he did, Lincoln freed the slaves while sleepwalking, and later had no memory of the event.
Listens:
1679
Who:
Core 3
All right. We're working on a little teleportation experiment. Now, this doesn't work with all skin types, so try to remember which skin is yours, and if it doesn't teleport along with you, we'll do what we can to sew you right back into it.
Listens:
1677
Who:
Cave Johnson
Space!
Listens:
1670
Who:
Core 1
How can you fail at this? It isn't even a test.
Listens:
1670
Who:
GLaDOS
Die!
Listens:
1670
Who:
Defective Turret
Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba! Space!
Listens:
1668
Who:
Core 1
Oh! I've just had one idea, which is that I could pretend to her that I've captured you, and give you over and she'll kill you, but I could... go on living. What's your view on that?
Listens:
1667
Who:
Wheatley
Not interested in anything else. Don't TOUCH anything else. Don't even LOOK at anything else, just--well, obviously you've got to look at everything else to find ESCAPE POD, but as soon as you've looked at something and it doesn't say ESCAPE POD, look at something else, look at the next thing. Alright? But don't touch anything else or look at any--well, look at other things, but don't... you understand.
Listens:
1666
Who:
Wheatley
This is just getting embarrassing.
Listens:
1662
Who:
Defective Turret
Dispensing product
Listens:
1659
Who:
Turret
Good. Now please return to your bed.
Listens:
1658
Who:
Announcer
Ah!
Listens:
1658
Who:
Core 1
I thought you'd be faster at this, but I can appreciate the desire to stop and smell the testing. That other scent you smell? That's the stench of my utter disappointment in you.
Listens:
1654
Who:
GLaDOS
You know, deleting Caroline just now taught me a valuable lesson. The best solution to a problem is usually the easiest one. And I'll be honest.
Listens:
1652
Who:
GLaDOS
Hell, put her in my computer. I don't care.
Listens:
1649
Who:
Cave Johnson
Alternate core detected.
Listens:
1642
Who:
Announcer
The end.
Listens:
1642
Who:
GLaDOS
00:00 / 00:00
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