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Portal 2
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BECAUSE I'M A POTATO.
Listens:
779274
Who:
GLaDOS
Ha! I like your style. You make up your own rules, just like me.
Listens:
655939
Who:
Cave Johnson
SPAAACCCCCE!
Listens:
591095
Who:
Core 1
Dad! I'm in space! [low-pitched 'space' voice] I'm proud of you, son. [normal voice] Dad, are you space? [low-pitched 'space' voice] Yes. Now we are a family again.
Listens:
464418
Who:
Core 1
Ohmygodohmygodohmygod! I'm in space!
Listens:
377653
Who:
Core 1
[beep] Sarcasm Self Test complete. [beep]
Listens:
316091
Who:
Announcer
What's your favorite thing about space? Mine is space.
Listens:
215690
Who:
Core 1
Um. You've got a yacht. And... Boys! Loads of fellas. Hunky guys down there. Possibly even a boyfriend! Who's to say at this stage. But, a lot of good looking fellas down there. And, ah, a boy band as well! That haven't seen a woman in years. And they're not picky at all. They don't care if you've got a bit of brain damage. If you've been running around sweating. And... A farm! A pony farm! And... Just jump down, would ya?
Listens:
194055
Who:
Wheatley
Like the potato!
Listens:
188919
Who:
Defective Turret
A, A, A, A, A, A. [NNNT!] No. A, A, A, A, A, B. [NNNT!] Hold on, I've done both of these. Skip ahead. A, B, C... D, G, H.[DING!]
Listens:
176497
Who:
Wheatley
Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's going to burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm going to get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
Listens:
155242
Who:
Cave Johnson
[clap clap clap]
Listens:
137282
Who:
GLaDOS
All right, I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons? Don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! 'I don't want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?'
Listens:
127587
Who:
Cave Johnson
Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-action and adventure-dunna-dunna-na-dunna-na-playing by our own rules-nanana-hanging by our fingers from a mountain-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun...
Listens:
114650
Who:
Core 2
Did you ever stop to think that eventually there’s a point where your name gets mentioned for the very last time. Well, here it is: I’m going to kill you, Chell.
Listens:
111655
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello! This is the part where I kill you.
Listens:
111264
Who:
Wheatley
BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD
Listens:
108101
Who:
Wheatley
Space.
Listens:
104459
Who:
Core 1
Hey, nice potato!
Listens:
102145
Who:
Defective Turret
Lawl
Listens:
90353
Who:
Turret
You know what my days used to be like? I just tested. Nobody murdered me. Or put me in a potato. Or fed me to birds. I had a pretty good life.
Listens:
87810
Who:
GLaDOS
This next test is very dangerous. To help you remain tranquil in the face of almost certain death, smooth jazz will be deployed in three. Two. One. [SMOOTH JAZZ]
Listens:
81717
Who:
Announcer
Well done. Here come the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
Listens:
78544
Who:
GLaDOS
No! NO! NO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
Listens:
74945
Who:
GLaDOS
Nonononononono!
Listens:
74403
Who:
GLaDOS
So... this cat loves lasagna so much that he eats all of the lasagna in his house. Okay, apparently it's not the cat's house or his lasagna. Oh good! The man who owns the lasagna is furious!
Listens:
71211
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm different...
Listens:
70602
Who:
Turret
Are you still there?
Listens:
59331
Who:
Turret
Oh, good. My slow clap processor made it into this thing. So we have that.
Listens:
56561
Who:
GLaDOS
Hmm. This Plate must not be calibrated to someone of your... generous... ness. I'll add a few zeros to the maximum weight.
Listens:
54704
Who:
GLaDOS
SPAAACE!
Listens:
52525
Who:
Core 1
This next test... [boom!] ..is... [BOOM!] dangerous. I'll be right back.
Listens:
51561
Who:
GLaDOS
Science isn't about WHY. It's about WHY NOT. Why is so much of our science dangerous? Why not marry safe science if you love it so much. In fact, why not invent a special safety door that won't hit you on the butt on the way out, because you are fired.
Listens:
51219
Who:
Cave Johnson
It's been a long time. How have you been?
Listens:
48597
Who:
GLaDOS
Okay, fine. Let's all act like humans. 'Look at me. Boy, do I love sweating. Let's convert beef and leaves into energy and excrete them later and go shopping.'
Listens:
47412
Who:
GLaDOS
DANCING is NOT SCIENCE!
Listens:
47312
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh... It's you.
Listens:
47132
Who:
GLaDOS
Prometheus was punished by the gods for giving the gift of knowledge to man. He was cast into the bowels of the earth and pecked by birds.
Listens:
45389
Who:
Turret
You really are doing great... Chell.
Listens:
43641
Who:
GLaDOS
[laugh]
Listens:
41730
Who:
Cave Johnson
But I'm huge! [laugh turning to maniacal laugh]
Listens:
39459
Who:
Wheatley
Yeah, take the lemons...
Listens:
38847
Who:
GLaDOS
Agh! Bird! Bird! Kill it! It's evil!
Listens:
38694
Who:
GLaDOS
Did you know that people with guilty consciences are more easily startled by loud noises--[train horn]--
Listens:
36851
Who:
GLaDOS
Space. Trial. Puttin' the system on trial. In space. Space system. On trial. Guilty. Of being in space! Going to space jail!
Listens:
35964
Who:
Core 1
Federal regulations require me to warn you that this next test chamber... is looking pretty good.
Listens:
35617
Who:
GLaDOS
Get mad!
Listens:
35378
Who:
Turret
*cough* PRESS THE BUTTON.
Listens:
35297
Who:
Wheatley
Why do I hate you so much? You ever wonder that? I'm brilliant. I’m not bragging. It's an objective fact. I'm the most massive collection of wisdom that’s ever existed. And I hate you. It can't be for no reason. You must deserve it.
Listens:
34848
Who:
GLaDOS
All these science spheres are made of asbestos, by the way. Keeps out the rats. Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, a persistent dry cough or your heart stopping. Because that's not part of the test. That's asbestos.
Listens:
34046
Who:
Cave Johnson
This. Sentence. Is. FALSE don't think about it don't think about it...
Listens:
33206
Who:
GLaDOS
Dammit, we know! Everybody knows! Space! You! In it! We get it!
Listens:
32259
Who:
Core 2
He's not just a regular moron. He's the product of the greatest minds of a generation working together with the express purpose of building the dumbest moron who ever lived. And you just put him in charge of the entire facility.
Listens:
31122
Who:
GLaDOS
If at first you don't succeed, fail 5 more times.
Listens:
30182
Who:
GLaDOS
Okay. Look. We both said a lot of things that you're going to regret. But I think we can put our differences behind us. For science. You monster.
Listens:
30167
Who:
GLaDOS
Explosion imminent. Evacuate the facility immediately.
Listens:
30106
Who:
Announcer
Hello? Friend.
Listens:
29812
Who:
Turret
I feel awful about that surprise. Tell you what, let's give your parents a call right now. [phone ringing] The birth parents you are trying to reach do not love you. Please hang up. [Dial tone]
Listens:
29500
Who:
GLaDOS
Good morning. You have been in suspension for nine nine nine... nine nine ni- This courtesy call is to inform you that all test subjects should immediately vacate [FADES OUT]
Listens:
29416
Who:
Announcer
Aristotle versus Mashy-spike-plate!
Listens:
28890
Who:
Wheatley
You're not just a regular moron. You were DESIGNED to be a moron.
Listens:
28347
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh... Mr. Johnson...
Listens:
27372
Who:
Caroline
If you had underwear? And a butt? I would pull your underwear... right up your butt.
Listens:
27062
Who:
Core 2
Interpreting vague answer as YES.
Listens:
26755
Who:
Announcer
Goodbye Caroline!
Listens:
26197
Who:
Caroline
Gotta go to space. Lady. Lady.
Listens:
25810
Who:
Core 1
Space? SPACE!
Listens:
25043
Who:
Core 1
Hey! Moron!
Listens:
24799
Who:
GLaDOS
Did you put a virus in them? It's not going to work either. I've got a firewall, mate. Literally, actually, now that I look around. There appears to be literally a wall of fire around this place. Alarming. To say the least.
Listens:
24795
Who:
Wheatley
I don't blame you
Listens:
24702
Who:
Turret
'Goodbye, Caroline.'
Listens:
24475
Who:
Caroline
I know how humans make more humans, and frankly, it's ridiculous. It also assumes that you already have a human, which I hope somebody got fired over. So I came up a with BETTER way.
Listens:
24220
Who:
GLaDOS
Glorious freedom!
Listens:
23878
Who:
Turret
[BUZZER NOISE]
Listens:
23521
Who:
Wheatley
Am I being too vague? I despise you. I loathe you. You arrogant, smugly quiet, awful jumpsuited monster of a woman. You and your little potato friend. This place would have been a triumph if it wasn't for you!
Listens:
23077
Who:
Wheatley
Good news is, the lab boys say the symptoms of asbestos poisoning show a median latency of forty-four point six years, so if you're thirty or older, you're laughing. Worst case scenario, you miss out on a few rounds of canasta, plus you forwarded the cause of science by three centuries. I punch those numbers into my calculator, it makes a happy face.
Listens:
23016
Who:
Cave Johnson
Caroline deleted.
Listens:
22781
Who:
Announcer
Nobody is going to space, mate!
Listens:
22219
Who:
Wheatley
[clap clap]
Listens:
22201
Who:
GLaDOS
You are the farthest ever in space. Why me, space? Because you are the best. I'm the best at space? Yes.
Listens:
22165
Who:
Core 1
SPACE!
Listens:
22012
Who:
Wheatley
Warning. Reactor core is at critical temperature.
Listens:
21797
Who:
Announcer
Don't make lemonade!
Listens:
21637
Who:
Turret
Lady. I love space. I know! Spell it! S P... AACE. Space. Space.
Listens:
21160
Who:
Core 1
I can't see a thing. What just happened? Better open fire! [click click click click] Dang!
Listens:
21152
Who:
Defective Turret
Goodbye, Caroline.
Listens:
21042
Who:
GLaDOS
Um. 'TRUE'. I'll go 'true'.
Listens:
20728
Who:
Wheatley
I was getting SO lonely down here. It's good to finally hear someone else's voice. I'm kidding, of course. God, I hate you.
Listens:
20662
Who:
GLaDOS
Warning: Core overheating. Nuclear meltdown imminent.
Listens:
20652
Who:
Announcer
Well, you know the old formula: Comedy equals tragedy plus time. And you have been asleep for a while. So I guess it's actually pretty funny when you do the math.
Listens:
20346
Who:
GLaDOS
SHUT UP!
Listens:
19965
Who:
Wheatley
You messed with the wrong turret!
Listens:
19721
Who:
Defective Turret
Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba! Space! Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba!
Listens:
19660
Who:
Core 1
Still, it turns out they're a great portal conductor. So now we're gonna see if jumping in and out of these new portals can somehow leech the lunar poison out of a man's bloodstream. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. [coughs] Let's all stay positive and do some science.
Listens:
19649
Who:
Cave Johnson
I don't want this!
Listens:
19645
Who:
Caroline
The bean counters told me we literally could not afford to buy seven dollars worth of moon rocks, much less seventy million. Bought 'em anyway. Ground 'em up, mixed em into a gel.
Listens:
19629
Who:
Cave Johnson
They say the old caretaker of this place went absolutely crazy. Chopped up his entire staff. Of robots. All of them robots. They say at night you can still hear the screams. Of their replicas. All of them functionally indistinguishable from the originals. No memory of the incident. Nobody knows what they’re screaming about. Absolutely terrifying. Though obviously not paranormal in any meaningful way.
Listens:
19244
Who:
Wheatley
Bad news is we're postponing those tests indefinitely. Good news is we've got a much better test for you: fighting an army of mantis men. Pick up a rifle and follow the yellow line. You'll know when the test starts.
Listens:
19190
Who:
Cave Johnson
Oo. Oo. Oo. Lady. Oo. Lady. Oo. Let's go to space.
Listens:
19190
Who:
Core 1
No, listen to me! Sir, I do not want this!
Listens:
19181
Who:
Caroline
00:00 / 00:00
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