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Portal 2
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Portal 1 Music
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BECAUSE I'M A POTATO.
Listens:
779141
Who:
GLaDOS
Ha! I like your style. You make up your own rules, just like me.
Listens:
655897
Who:
Cave Johnson
SPAAACCCCCE!
Listens:
591038
Who:
Core 1
Dad! I'm in space! [low-pitched 'space' voice] I'm proud of you, son. [normal voice] Dad, are you space? [low-pitched 'space' voice] Yes. Now we are a family again.
Listens:
464381
Who:
Core 1
Ohmygodohmygodohmygod! I'm in space!
Listens:
377621
Who:
Core 1
[beep] Sarcasm Self Test complete. [beep]
Listens:
316054
Who:
Announcer
What's your favorite thing about space? Mine is space.
Listens:
215673
Who:
Core 1
Um. You've got a yacht. And... Boys! Loads of fellas. Hunky guys down there. Possibly even a boyfriend! Who's to say at this stage. But, a lot of good looking fellas down there. And, ah, a boy band as well! That haven't seen a woman in years. And they're not picky at all. They don't care if you've got a bit of brain damage. If you've been running around sweating. And... A farm! A pony farm! And... Just jump down, would ya?
Listens:
194025
Who:
Wheatley
Like the potato!
Listens:
188893
Who:
Defective Turret
A, A, A, A, A, A. [NNNT!] No. A, A, A, A, A, B. [NNNT!] Hold on, I've done both of these. Skip ahead. A, B, C... D, G, H.[DING!]
Listens:
176479
Who:
Wheatley
Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's going to burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm going to get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
Listens:
155220
Who:
Cave Johnson
[clap clap clap]
Listens:
137262
Who:
GLaDOS
All right, I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons? Don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! 'I don't want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?'
Listens:
127569
Who:
Cave Johnson
Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-action and adventure-dunna-dunna-na-dunna-na-playing by our own rules-nanana-hanging by our fingers from a mountain-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun...
Listens:
114637
Who:
Core 2
Did you ever stop to think that eventually there’s a point where your name gets mentioned for the very last time. Well, here it is: I’m going to kill you, Chell.
Listens:
111642
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello! This is the part where I kill you.
Listens:
111242
Who:
Wheatley
BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD
Listens:
108069
Who:
Wheatley
Space.
Listens:
104434
Who:
Core 1
Hey, nice potato!
Listens:
102129
Who:
Defective Turret
Lawl
Listens:
90343
Who:
Turret
You know what my days used to be like? I just tested. Nobody murdered me. Or put me in a potato. Or fed me to birds. I had a pretty good life.
Listens:
87796
Who:
GLaDOS
This next test is very dangerous. To help you remain tranquil in the face of almost certain death, smooth jazz will be deployed in three. Two. One. [SMOOTH JAZZ]
Listens:
81704
Who:
Announcer
Well done. Here come the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
Listens:
78532
Who:
GLaDOS
No! NO! NO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
Listens:
74925
Who:
GLaDOS
Nonononononono!
Listens:
74393
Who:
GLaDOS
So... this cat loves lasagna so much that he eats all of the lasagna in his house. Okay, apparently it's not the cat's house or his lasagna. Oh good! The man who owns the lasagna is furious!
Listens:
71205
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm different...
Listens:
70595
Who:
Turret
Are you still there?
Listens:
59323
Who:
Turret
Oh, good. My slow clap processor made it into this thing. So we have that.
Listens:
56550
Who:
GLaDOS
Hmm. This Plate must not be calibrated to someone of your... generous... ness. I'll add a few zeros to the maximum weight.
Listens:
54696
Who:
GLaDOS
SPAAACE!
Listens:
52518
Who:
Core 1
This next test... [boom!] ..is... [BOOM!] dangerous. I'll be right back.
Listens:
51550
Who:
GLaDOS
Science isn't about WHY. It's about WHY NOT. Why is so much of our science dangerous? Why not marry safe science if you love it so much. In fact, why not invent a special safety door that won't hit you on the butt on the way out, because you are fired.
Listens:
51201
Who:
Cave Johnson
It's been a long time. How have you been?
Listens:
48585
Who:
GLaDOS
Okay, fine. Let's all act like humans. 'Look at me. Boy, do I love sweating. Let's convert beef and leaves into energy and excrete them later and go shopping.'
Listens:
47410
Who:
GLaDOS
DANCING is NOT SCIENCE!
Listens:
47297
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh... It's you.
Listens:
47119
Who:
GLaDOS
Prometheus was punished by the gods for giving the gift of knowledge to man. He was cast into the bowels of the earth and pecked by birds.
Listens:
45379
Who:
Turret
You really are doing great... Chell.
Listens:
43634
Who:
GLaDOS
[laugh]
Listens:
41718
Who:
Cave Johnson
But I'm huge! [laugh turning to maniacal laugh]
Listens:
39454
Who:
Wheatley
Yeah, take the lemons...
Listens:
38843
Who:
GLaDOS
Agh! Bird! Bird! Kill it! It's evil!
Listens:
38685
Who:
GLaDOS
Did you know that people with guilty consciences are more easily startled by loud noises--[train horn]--
Listens:
36834
Who:
GLaDOS
Space. Trial. Puttin' the system on trial. In space. Space system. On trial. Guilty. Of being in space! Going to space jail!
Listens:
35960
Who:
Core 1
Federal regulations require me to warn you that this next test chamber... is looking pretty good.
Listens:
35608
Who:
GLaDOS
Get mad!
Listens:
35371
Who:
Turret
*cough* PRESS THE BUTTON.
Listens:
35285
Who:
Wheatley
Why do I hate you so much? You ever wonder that? I'm brilliant. I’m not bragging. It's an objective fact. I'm the most massive collection of wisdom that’s ever existed. And I hate you. It can't be for no reason. You must deserve it.
Listens:
34835
Who:
GLaDOS
All these science spheres are made of asbestos, by the way. Keeps out the rats. Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, a persistent dry cough or your heart stopping. Because that's not part of the test. That's asbestos.
Listens:
34033
Who:
Cave Johnson
This. Sentence. Is. FALSE don't think about it don't think about it...
Listens:
33202
Who:
GLaDOS
Dammit, we know! Everybody knows! Space! You! In it! We get it!
Listens:
32258
Who:
Core 2
He's not just a regular moron. He's the product of the greatest minds of a generation working together with the express purpose of building the dumbest moron who ever lived. And you just put him in charge of the entire facility.
Listens:
31108
Who:
GLaDOS
If at first you don't succeed, fail 5 more times.
Listens:
30179
Who:
GLaDOS
Okay. Look. We both said a lot of things that you're going to regret. But I think we can put our differences behind us. For science. You monster.
Listens:
30154
Who:
GLaDOS
Explosion imminent. Evacuate the facility immediately.
Listens:
30088
Who:
Announcer
Hello? Friend.
Listens:
29809
Who:
Turret
I feel awful about that surprise. Tell you what, let's give your parents a call right now. [phone ringing] The birth parents you are trying to reach do not love you. Please hang up. [Dial tone]
Listens:
29489
Who:
GLaDOS
Good morning. You have been in suspension for nine nine nine... nine nine ni- This courtesy call is to inform you that all test subjects should immediately vacate [FADES OUT]
Listens:
29406
Who:
Announcer
Aristotle versus Mashy-spike-plate!
Listens:
28887
Who:
Wheatley
You're not just a regular moron. You were DESIGNED to be a moron.
Listens:
28339
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh... Mr. Johnson...
Listens:
27371
Who:
Caroline
If you had underwear? And a butt? I would pull your underwear... right up your butt.
Listens:
27062
Who:
Core 2
Interpreting vague answer as YES.
Listens:
26745
Who:
Announcer
Goodbye Caroline!
Listens:
26196
Who:
Caroline
Gotta go to space. Lady. Lady.
Listens:
25807
Who:
Core 1
Space? SPACE!
Listens:
25028
Who:
Core 1
Did you put a virus in them? It's not going to work either. I've got a firewall, mate. Literally, actually, now that I look around. There appears to be literally a wall of fire around this place. Alarming. To say the least.
Listens:
24793
Who:
Wheatley
Hey! Moron!
Listens:
24792
Who:
GLaDOS
I don't blame you
Listens:
24693
Who:
Turret
'Goodbye, Caroline.'
Listens:
24473
Who:
Caroline
I know how humans make more humans, and frankly, it's ridiculous. It also assumes that you already have a human, which I hope somebody got fired over. So I came up a with BETTER way.
Listens:
24212
Who:
GLaDOS
Glorious freedom!
Listens:
23874
Who:
Turret
[BUZZER NOISE]
Listens:
23495
Who:
Wheatley
Am I being too vague? I despise you. I loathe you. You arrogant, smugly quiet, awful jumpsuited monster of a woman. You and your little potato friend. This place would have been a triumph if it wasn't for you!
Listens:
23071
Who:
Wheatley
Good news is, the lab boys say the symptoms of asbestos poisoning show a median latency of forty-four point six years, so if you're thirty or older, you're laughing. Worst case scenario, you miss out on a few rounds of canasta, plus you forwarded the cause of science by three centuries. I punch those numbers into my calculator, it makes a happy face.
Listens:
23008
Who:
Cave Johnson
Caroline deleted.
Listens:
22775
Who:
Announcer
Nobody is going to space, mate!
Listens:
22215
Who:
Wheatley
[clap clap]
Listens:
22196
Who:
GLaDOS
You are the farthest ever in space. Why me, space? Because you are the best. I'm the best at space? Yes.
Listens:
22162
Who:
Core 1
SPACE!
Listens:
22006
Who:
Wheatley
Warning. Reactor core is at critical temperature.
Listens:
21779
Who:
Announcer
Don't make lemonade!
Listens:
21624
Who:
Turret
Lady. I love space. I know! Spell it! S P... AACE. Space. Space.
Listens:
21158
Who:
Core 1
I can't see a thing. What just happened? Better open fire! [click click click click] Dang!
Listens:
21150
Who:
Defective Turret
Goodbye, Caroline.
Listens:
21040
Who:
GLaDOS
Um. 'TRUE'. I'll go 'true'.
Listens:
20726
Who:
Wheatley
I was getting SO lonely down here. It's good to finally hear someone else's voice. I'm kidding, of course. God, I hate you.
Listens:
20660
Who:
GLaDOS
Warning: Core overheating. Nuclear meltdown imminent.
Listens:
20631
Who:
Announcer
Well, you know the old formula: Comedy equals tragedy plus time. And you have been asleep for a while. So I guess it's actually pretty funny when you do the math.
Listens:
20337
Who:
GLaDOS
SHUT UP!
Listens:
19955
Who:
Wheatley
You messed with the wrong turret!
Listens:
19718
Who:
Defective Turret
Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba! Space! Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba!
Listens:
19655
Who:
Core 1
Still, it turns out they're a great portal conductor. So now we're gonna see if jumping in and out of these new portals can somehow leech the lunar poison out of a man's bloodstream. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. [coughs] Let's all stay positive and do some science.
Listens:
19644
Who:
Cave Johnson
I don't want this!
Listens:
19637
Who:
Caroline
The bean counters told me we literally could not afford to buy seven dollars worth of moon rocks, much less seventy million. Bought 'em anyway. Ground 'em up, mixed em into a gel.
Listens:
19624
Who:
Cave Johnson
They say the old caretaker of this place went absolutely crazy. Chopped up his entire staff. Of robots. All of them robots. They say at night you can still hear the screams. Of their replicas. All of them functionally indistinguishable from the originals. No memory of the incident. Nobody knows what they’re screaming about. Absolutely terrifying. Though obviously not paranormal in any meaningful way.
Listens:
19239
Who:
Wheatley
Bad news is we're postponing those tests indefinitely. Good news is we've got a much better test for you: fighting an army of mantis men. Pick up a rifle and follow the yellow line. You'll know when the test starts.
Listens:
19184
Who:
Cave Johnson
Oo. Oo. Oo. Lady. Oo. Lady. Oo. Let's go to space.
Listens:
19184
Who:
Core 1
No, listen to me! Sir, I do not want this!
Listens:
19169
Who:
Caroline
00:00 / 00:00
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